Freedom Within Limits: Controlling the environment, NOT the child

I always take time to reflect on my week at school. I always ask myself what I thought went really well? What I thought needed improving? What special moments happened for the children? Was the learning environment the best it could be? What lessons are the children now ready for? Is anyone struggling and in need of more guidance? Essentially, WHAT COULD I DO TO IMPROVE? This past week many of my thoughts were about how the children cooperated and worked together with the straws and connectors. Conveniently this article popped into my email Sunday morning. It is by one of my favourite Montessorians, Maren Schmidt. She is spot on, as all of her articles are. She talks about 'freedom within limits'. This is something that is practiced everyday in the classroom and one that I think is essential for adults to master when caring for children.

As a Montessori directress, one of the first things we learn is that the prepared environment (or classroom) is a work of art that we must prepare with care and consideration and when the time comes, we must pass this special room over to the children and allow it to become a space in which they can call their own. Their own little community must form where they have the freedom to makes mistakes, to explore and to learn. But with this freedom, comes limits. A few examples from our classroom. . .

1) Children are FREE to work with any materials from the shelf. The LIMIT is that you must of had a lesson on them. 

2) Children are FREE to have a snack whenever they are hungry. The LIMIT is how much of each food they are allowed to have. 

3) Children who are in need of redirection or help choosing work are given a choice between two materials that they have had lessons, rather than a whole shelf to choose from. Young children, in particular, often need this sort of direction. 

The following is Maren's article and I think she does a great of job of bringing the freedom within limits into the home and how it connects to cooperation. She is also the author of several books. If anyone is interested in ordering any of the books we could arrange that a group order be done through the school.

Enjoy! 

Foster Cooperation by Giving Choices   Most of the conflicts we have with our preschool-age children involve getting them to do something they don't want to do in a reasonable amount of time. Eating, getting dressed, going to bed or taking a bath may be familiar conflict areas. In parenting class, I was introduced to the idea of giving choices to avoid conflict. When we give choices, or freedom within limits, we can help our children feel in control of themselves, foster cooperation and develop independence. How and when to present choices are critical to the success of implementing this concept. If we give too many choices, we may create an environment of frustration and again encounter lack of cooperation. Giving few choices, we risk being authoritarian and may create rebellion or subterfuge in our children. The art of implementation is looking at each child and situation with fresh and understanding eyes, while remaining kind and firm. Everyday was a struggle to brush my two-and-a-half-year-old's teeth. Hannah lacked the fine motor control to do the job alone and resisted mightily when I tried. I was totally frustrated, and bedtime was a disaster. At our dental check-up, I mentioned to Dr. Jim about our brushing conflict. "Hannah," Dr. Jim inquired. "Why are you fighting with your mom about brushing your teeth?" "The toothpaste burns my mouth." "Let's try some different flavors. I have cinnamon, bubblegum, peppermint and strawberry. Which one do you want to taste first?" Hannah cheerfully sampled each flavor and selected a tube. That was the end of our Battle of the Brush. I remain thankful to Dr. Jim for lowering my stress level twenty points with bubblegum flavored toothpaste. I hadn't considered giving Hannah a choice of toothpaste. I hadn't even thought to ask her why she was upset. Years later, I witnessed my friend, Martha, go overboard with choices. "Jimmy, would you like oatmeal or eggs for breakfast?" "Oatmeal." "Do you want blueberry, strawberry, cinnamon or maple flavor?" "Cinnamon." "Do you want brown sugar or honey?" "Honey." "Do you want butter or milk on it?" "Milk." "Do you want it in the white or the blue bowl? Do you want apple, grape or orange juice?" Poor Jimmy. This two-year-old was interrogated for breakfast. After the third question, I watched Jimmy's eyes glaze. When the blue bowl arrived, Jimmy gave his mother "a look" and dumped his oatmeal on the table. "Giving choices just isn't working," Martha lamented. I observed that giving too many choices doesn't work. Martha should have stopped at oatmeal! Question after question turned a picky eater into a rebel. When a child is defiant, he is asking us, "Who is the boss here? You act like it's me. If it's you, then show me." Don't be afraid of showing your child that defiant behavior is unacceptable. He is asking for limits to be set and enforced. Too many choices can cause a child to question his role in the parent/child relationship. Our children need for us to be the adults in charge, so they can feel safe and secure. We also need to be on guard for giving choices that aren't appropriate. Dawn thought that giving her four-year-old daughter, Sophie, a choice about what time to go to bed would make bedtime smoother. In reality, bedtime was not negotiable for Dawn, as Sophie thought her choice was no bedtime. Chaos and unhappiness ensued. Dawn realized she needed to set and enforce bedtime. The choices Dawn gave Sophie were decisions such as what color pajamas to wear, what books to read and what prayers to say. When Dawn set the limits regarding time and then gave Sophie freedom within those limits, bedtime became calmer. Sophie understood her limits and the freedom she had within those limits. Bedtime became a loving ritual instead of a power struggle. Allowing choices fosters self-control, cooperation and independence in our children. Be aware of giving too many or inappropriate choices. When your child gets to those bumpy teenage years, he or she will have many years of practicing how to make "good" choices. You'll be able to feel confident in your teenager's ability to continue to make "good" choices when dealing with tough decisions regarding friends, drugs and alcohol. About The Understanding Montessori Newsletter  Written by Kids Talk columnist Maren Schmidt, the Understanding Montessori Newsletter is part of the award winning Kids Talk weekly syndicated newspaper column.   Read previous newsletters here. About Maren Schmidt  Maren Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland.  She has over 25 years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale.  Maren is author of  Building Cathedrals Not Walls: Essays for Parents and Teachers as well as Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents. Visit MarenSchmidt.com.